When I first started to read the novel I was confused during certain parts of it because it wasn’t exactly clear on who was narrating the story and I honestly still get lost at times considering this novel really jumps from one perspective to another. However, reading part three I’m starting to understand it a little bit better now. There were two major things that really stuck out to me while reading this part, I see a recurring theme of fear and relationships a lot within this section of the novel. The narrator had agreed to help his best friend Alex have a child by being the sperm donor in order to make a baby. This is where the theme of relationships comes in because of the fact that I still can’t really figure out this relationship between them two since at one point during this part of the novel the narrator did try to seduce Alex, (even though he’s sleeping with Alena) in order to procreate but failed miserably, especially since he was drunk when doing so. There was a part when Alex said to him, “Because if we’re going to try to make a baby, however we try to make one, I don’t want it to be one of the things you get to deny you wanted or deny ever happened” she goes to explain how if he wanted to coparent and all that, she would be open to all the ideas as long as they established a good sense of communication. And this is where the theme of fear comes in because it’s kind of obvious that the narrator illustrates fear with a lot of things like the world ending, thinking his novel won’t be good enough, and the idea of not being able to be a good parent figure to a possible child within the near future. There was a part where the novel mentioned why reproduce more life if the world is ending right? And what really stood out to me was this quote; “Because the world is always ending for each of us and if one begins to withdraw from the possibilities of experience, then no one would take any of the risks involved with love”. This quote seemed really significant within the novel because in a way it ties to the narrators fear of whether or not he could be a good father figure. He later on comes to terms as to why Alex chose him specfically to do this type of procedure with her because in a way she chose him because of his deficiencies, not in spite of them. I guess this kind of also goes along with his own fear of dying without having done something of importance or impactful enough of leaving behind for when he is no longer alive. This part of the novel really gave much more insight in how the mind of the narrator works and the characteristics he has as well, he doesn’t let his inner demons, or his state of health completely control him in his daily life.

Lerner’s novel, “10:04”, has a form of writing unlike anything I have previously read. That being said, beginning the novel is a little tricky to find traction and follow along where the novel may be heading. His descriptions regardless of the subject being mundane are excessive and he utilizes words that are superfluous in their cumbersomeness, and also reflects the writer’s voice but in a spontaneous instant that goes no where. I suppose that may be to speak about the typical thoughts of the everyday person, completely capable of becoming something deeper to provoke a more stimulating and enthralling way of thinking, but ultimately is dropped just as quick as it was conceived.

Furthermore, there are instances in which the mundaneness has a certain charm to itself. Specifically, the moment in the first chapter when the author describes the events of getting on the train and then getting off, and how everyone checks their phones. Such a mundane event that also seems universal, connects not just the reader to the writing but to the people the writing is based on, the people of New York. With that, there can be an appreciation for an initially bland seeming topic, realizing that this act occurs many times over, people getting on and off the same train you are riding. Again this connection to a large group occurs when the author takes in a protester and they have a conversation about the performance men give before they use a urinal. The author speaks to the unspoken, not to step out of what is taboo, but to what goes unannounced out of a lack of stimulation on the subject. Yet when it is brought up the conversation is overall enjoyed.

Lastly, although the author attempts to achieve a most realistic sense of realism by inputting realistic events in all their mediocrity, in his world the reader has to make a struggle to view it as realistic. The author is a poet that has found success, lives in a 3 story apartment, attends gatherings with other writers and poets alike, and has well-founded relationships with different women. Although all completely possible within someone’s life, the setting takes place in a time of the authors life when he has achieved quite a lot, and so that begs the question, what more can become of the book. A character that has achieved enough where his only currently meaningful obstacle is surviving his life-threatening diagnosis. When it comes down to it, Lerner is stuck between a rock and a hard place, in which he intends to make a most realistic novel, and yet in his mission, he would have made a book too realistic to be something worth reading, but based on the compliments and acknowledgment he has received there must have been something else, and whether or not that can be as realistic to the degree intended comes into question.

It is no surprise that this novel started off with a confusing start, we are immediately thrown into the mind of the narrator in the dullest of moments. It is possibly excruciatingly hard to fully pay attention when we are reading every single detail of the narrator’s life. The entirety of the book seems like a personal diary with every single thought. As stated in class, the details narrated are considered boring and not necessarily novel-worthy. In other words, we are given the “mundanity” of everyday life for a lack of better words. However, because of this, we are able to psycho-analyze the narrator and the way he perceives the world around him. That being said, it’s a fair analysis to say that the narrator seems to be afraid in many senses. He is by far not a confident or sure character and doesn’t seem to have a strong mental mindset. I believe that the format of the book, the run-on sentences, the lack of structure, and the entire chaos of it speaks volumes to who the narrator really is. The book is his mind, the readers are in the narrator’s mind in its purest form. There are multiple occurrences in which he will find ways to put himself down. He seems to have unrequited emotions for his best friend and it’s an interesting possibility that although he may act as if he has some confidence, his failed attempt to seduce Alex has definitely left an impact on his self-esteem. Although I would not blame this unsureness on Alex as the issue runs deeper. The narrator seems to be afraid of many things, he’s worried about the world that is slowly and inevitably dying. He can’t seem to find a stable relationship that meets his standards or any for that matter. On top of that, he is worried about possibly co-parenting with Alex and bringing a child into the world that he is undeniably afraid of. That being said it can be argued that he is only helping to create the child in fear of dying without leaving something for the world to remember him by. I find it incredibly interesting just how much his fear really drives him to make certain decisions and just how much the complexity behind the novel speaks volumes to the complexity of the narrator’s mind itself. 

While reading “10:04” chapter III, one thing that caught my attention was him donating sperm for his friend Alex. I can’t help but feel this is his attempt to have a legacy with his heart condition constantly hovering over him. Legacy is something we all have thought about once in our life. Did we do enough? How will people remember us? Is there anyone to remember us? Some of our biggest fears are not knowing what will happen after our deaths. I feel the theme of family and legacy throughout this chapter with many talks about family. When the woman he meets talks about her family and only later on knowing that her father wasn’t her biological father I was drawn into this theme of family. He doesn’t have a significant other or any children. He lives day by day not knowing his fate or how much time he has left. This is a story of not knowing what the future holds and hoping for a better tomorrow. This made me think about what my future would be like. What will happen in the next decades to come. 

The format of this book feels more like a journal than your typical book. The author uses incorrect grammar along with run-on sentences and feels more like internal thoughts. I’m particularly interested in this as it makes it hard to read and follow along. It’s like reading someone’s diary and they wrote down anything that came to mind. He jumps around from idea to idea with no clear meaning behind why he chose that particular scene. The plot feels less like a plot and more like a day to day summary of his life.There is no clear plot besides the storm that is approaching New York and his heart condition. This feels like a reminder that life has no clear end goal or plot. We create our own plot and journey through life. The lack of plot draws me in to how this book will end if it ends abruptly or has an actual ending. Also the setting being in New York resonates with me with his description of the city and the places he visits. I compare the city that I know to what he thinks of New York. It feels like two different cities because of the generation gap between me and the author.

By chapter three it is clear that the narrator is in a disassociative state as a result of his Marfan diagnosis. The wandering plot takes us back and forth between timelines and core memories while also touching on stories and memories of other people such as Noor and the narrator’s father, which somewhat resonate with aspects of the narrator’s life. Some of the characters throughout the novel are reflections of parts of the narrator or internal themes he is facing. However, there are many examples of “making kin” demonstrated by the narrator and other characters. The theme of “making kin” coined by Donna Haraway which we previously discussed this semester shows up throughout this novel in different forms. Making kin is what Haraway says “we most need to be doing in a world that rips us apart from each other…” (Haraway, 2016). For a mutli dimensional, cli fi, auto ficftion novel that takes place in a melting pot full of people from different socio economic, ethnic, cultural, etc backgrounds, it is not surprising to see this theme play out.

One of the earliest examples of making kin is the narrator’s wholesome relationship to Roberto, the gifted 8 year old boy from an undocumented family who he is mentoring. The narrator takes Roberto under his wing and becomes a part of his support system by tutoring him, talking to him about his fears, taking him on a museum trip. In turn this mentorship seems to be a grounding force for the narrator in some sense and fulfilling to both him and Roberto. It even serves as a bit of a wake up call to the narrator about parenthood during their trip to the Museum of Natural History, when he realizes he has never had to be responsible for anyone and is stricken with panic when trying to maneuver  the best way to protect the child from the dangers of life while also being an authority figure in the best way possible, not too harsh but not too lenient. The trip is successful but puts the narrator in a state of reflection about his future of being a parent to his child with Alex. This “making kin” relationship in the present reflects his future role as a parent and the concerns and questions that come along with taking on such a role.

A past reflection of his mentor relationship with Roberto in some sense, is his relationship to Natali and Bernard. They are introduced to us when Natali contacts the narrator to inform him that Bernard is in the hosptial. This brings the narrator back to the memories of how they met. Like he does with Roberto, Natali and Bernard take the narrator under their wing in some sense and make “kinship” with him as they become his mentors early in his career. He even becomes somewhat part of the family as they help guide him through the writing world, and invite him to dinners to help him network with influential people in the field. Bernard’s current health state reflects a potential future that the narrator fears and he begins to think about that and the strange phenomena of noticing people age.

A brief form of making kinship takes place when the narrator opens his home to the protestor who is currently without a home. He lets him shower and makes dinner for him and in this moment realizes he has never done this for anyone and feels that no one has ever needed him or needed to rely on him. He begins to want a child but then realizes that would be an attempt to fill a void and he should fill it with self improvement and self care. This brief interaction reflects a side of the narrator he is not in touch with much and may want to tap into more.

All of these memories and recalled interactions of making kin are seemingly random but all converge to reflect parts of the narrator and his present experiences and unknown futures- the ones he is trying to disassociate from out of fear, uncertainty, and potential vulnerability. Maybe without realizing, this is his own way of facing the present and the future.